Gore just warming up

first_img AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MOREGame Center: Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs, Sunday, 10 a.m.Doing the business of the city: The Los Angeles City Council voted 12-2 for a resolution urging withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, making L.A. the largest city in the nation to endorse an end to the war. “After President Bush hears about this, you can expect the war to be over any minute,” said Councilman Bill Rosendahl. “And he better do what we say, or we’ll keep passing resolutions until he does.” “I don’t agree,” said Councilman Dennis Zine, one of the two members to vote against the resolution. “We have far more important issues to worry about in L.A. – like how can we get Ellen’s dog back to her hair stylist.” Those damn L.A. police: One of the co-defendants who broke into the Las Vegas hotel room with O.J. Simpson has agreed to a plea deal in which he will say that Simpson told him and others to bring firearms with them into the room. “I said to bring knives, not firearms,” said Simpson. “If I wanted anyone in there to actually get hurt, I would have just married them.” Whatshisname remains relevant: Despite having the lowest approval ratings of his presidency, President Bush said his relevancy comes with his veto power. “There is nothing more that moves our country forward than being an obstacle,” said the lame-duck chief of state. Kissing cousins: Lynne Cheney said she discovered that husband Dick and Barack Obama are eighth cousins. “And there’s nothing Dick likes better than to take his kin hunting.” Gore favored to win … everything: The Colorado Rockies, on an unheard of streak – not losing since the first Gulf War – move into this coming week’s World Series as favorites. That is, until Vegas oddsmakers put their money on Emmy, Academy, Nobel Peace Prize winner Al Gore to take home the Major League crown. “Sure, the Rockies are hot,” said Vegas bookmaker Chance McBet. “But the streak Gore is on is sick. We also have the former vice president favored to win Wimbledon, `Dancing With The Stars’ and the Readers Digest Sweepstakes.” This story is definitely not about me: With the first baby boomer filing for Social Security, everyone who attended Woodstock is now officially old. And yet all their hair is still the same length. It just starts somewhere around the back of the head. McIntyre to O’Reilly to Scully: With the new slogan “Not listening to the Dodgers will embolden the terrorists,” the L.A. Dodgers have formally announced the Dodgers move from middle of the road, KFWB, to conservative talker KABC. “They’ve always pitched from the right,” said program director Eric Braverman. “Except maybe for Koufax, who I still believe was funded by George Soros and Moveon.org.” But think of all the planes that won’t get blown up: In a study of airport security at LAX, screeners did not catch fake bombs hidden on undercover agents smuggling them through security 75 percent of the time. “It’s not that big a deal,” said LAX security expert Will Sneak. “We only missed 25 percent of them, and it’s pretty well-known that terrorists come through these gates no more than 1 or 2 percent of the time. We’re at least 23 percent ahead.” “But we did stop 95 percent of the eyeliner from getting through,” Sneak added. Recommendation for poor kids – stay healthy: Congress was unable to overcome President Bush’s veto of SCHIP, the children’s health program for poor children. “It’s not that we are against sick kids getting the help they need,” said the president. “We just want them to be richer.” Thanks, Joey: Joey Bishop, last surviving member of the Rat Pack, rejoins Frank, Sammy, Deano and Peter in the Vegas showroom in the sky. Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com).160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!last_img

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